Dvojezično…
Bilingual – English at the middle of the post
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Znam. Sve znam. Život nije lak. Znam, svi mi doživljavamo svašta i nikome u životu nije lako. Barem onima koje ja poznajem. Nevolje su nešto što svi doživljavamo. Jedna od tih nevolja jest i kad se neka aparatura u kući pokvari. Sve je to u redu. Samo, zašto baš na Božić?
Da ne biste pomislili da sam cmizdravac veći nego što jesam (a znam biti, priznajem), nije u pitanju samo ovaj Božić. Ne. To je došlo dotle da se već može nazvati obiteljskom tradicijom. U posljednjih nekoliko godina se dogodilo da nam baš za Božić ili Uskrs crkne nešto u kući. Ovog Uskrsa, recimo, krepao nam je frižider – doduše mojom krivnjom, ali baš se pogodilo tada. Sad nam je crkao plamenik na peći za lož ulje, usisivač je riknuo, veš mašina isto miriše kao da će nešto izvesti.
Pa sam ja počeo razmišljati o tome i pitati se: zašto se nije pokvarilo dva mjeseca ranije ili kasnije, nego baš sad? Ha, tko zna. Možda se iz toga dade izvući i kakva duhovna pouka? Naravno, ne želim čitati između redova koji ne postoje, ali neke paralele mi ipak padaju na pamet. Možda me Bog hoće podsjetiti da je došao na svijet u potpunoj bijedi, i isto tako ga i napustio, ne ostavivši za sobom nikakvih materijalnih dobara – ali zato je pobijedio smrt i otvorio nam put otkupljenja od grijeha i vječne propasti? To su neke stvari koje me znaju malo trgnuti i podsjetiti me da postoje stvari koje nam nisu garantirane ustavom – kao što je, recimo, ispravno centralno grijanje.
Isto tako, jasno mi je da Bog sve radi s nekim razlogom. Također mi je jasno da nam u barem 50% slučajeva ti razlozi neće biti otkriveni dok god smo na ovom svijetu. Jasno da mi se ne sviđa kad se dogodi neka nevolja ili takvo što, ali Bog se do sada pokazao vjernim pa će sigurno i od sada.
Inače, ovih dana bih trebao dobiti odštetu od firme u, smatram tako, simboličnom iznosu s obzirom na sve što sam prošao, ali bolje išta nego ništa, valjda. U svakom slučaju, zahvalni smo Bogu i za to. Još samo da nekako mom doktoru sine da me treba dalje liječiti, ali on se i dalje inati. Ja sam već iscrpljen od sve te priče i dosta mi je svega, ali mi zdravstveno svejedno nije bolje pa moram tjerati stvar dalje. Nemam izbora. Raditi baš nisam u stanju, čak ni nakon sveg ovog vremena, računi stižu redovito, a para niotkuda. Čak i ono na što imam pravo nisam u mogućnosti u praksi realizirati. Ali znam ovo: Bog vidi sve, pa tako i moju situaciju, i to mi je utjeha da će on nešto učiniti unatoč i mojoj sporosti i inertnosti i nesposobnosti i kompleksnosti birokratskog sistema. Ali čekanje je naporno i teško i mučno. Jedino što nigdje u Bibliji ne stoji da će biti lagano i ugodno. Dapače, stoji suprotno od toga.
Šta kažete vi na to?
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I know. I know it all. Life isn’t easy. I know that we’re all experiencing all sorts of difficulties in life and I know that nobody’s in for an easy ride. It’s true for the people I know anyway. We all experience hardships. One sort of hardship is when an appliance in the house breaks down. I get it. But, why on Christmas Day?
In my defense so you wouldn’t think I’m a bigger crybaby that I really am (and I admit it, I can be one), it’s not just this Christmas. Oh no. The thing has reached the point where we can call it family tradition. During the last few years we’ve had something break down in the house either on Christmas or Easter. Like this last Easter our fridge broke down – and that was my fault, but that’s the time when it happened. And now the burner on our fuel stove broke down, and the vacuum cleaner’s deceased, and even the washing machine seems like it’s gonna pull a stunt on us.
And that got me thinking and wondering, Well, why didn’t it break down a couple of months earlier or later – why did it have to go and break down now? Huh, who can tell. But maybe it is possible to learn a spiritual lesson from this? By all means, I do not intend to read between the lines which aren’t there, but I can’t help drawing certain parallels. Maybe God wants to remind me that he came into this world in complete poverty, that he left it in the same manner without leaving any material legacy behind – and yet he defeated death and opened up a way for us to be redeemed from sin and eternal destruction? That kind of thing can shake me up and serve as reminder that there are some things which are not guarranteed us by constitution – the operational central heating being one of them.
In the same way, I understand that there is a purpose to everything that God does. I also understand that in at least 50% of the cases this purpose will never be revealed to us on this side of death. Sure, I don’t like it when a trouble comes, but God has proven himself faithful thus far, and I am sure he will continue to be just as faithful.
On another matter, my compensation from my ex-employer is due sometime this week, and I find the amount they offered more than symbolic considering all I’ve been through, but I guess that’s better than nothing. Anyway, we are thankful to God for what we’ll receive. All I need now is for my doctor to realize that he needs to keep treating me, but he’s still doing his refusal routine. I find the whole deal really exhausting and tiresome and I’m sick of it all, but my health isn’t improving on its own, so I gotta keep pushing it. I don’t have a choice. I am still in no condition to get a job – even after all this time – and the bills keep coming in at a regular basis, and the money isn’t coming in. I am unable to practically accomplish that which I am entitled to by right. However, this I know: God sees everything, including my situation, and I find it comforting to know that he will do something about it, in spite of my slowness and inertness and incompetence and the complexity of the bureaucratic apparatus. But the wait is tiresome and difficult and gruesome. On the other hand, the Bible never says it’s gonna be nice and easy. On the contrary.
What say you?
