Dvojezično – Bilingual: scroll down to the midsection for English…
Dugo me nije bilo ovdje. Pa kad smo sad svi više-manje na Facebooku, pa onda čovjek nema snage biti na više strana odjednom. Starim…
Ne bih puno tupio ovom prilikom (ali vjerojatno hoću), jer sam iscrpljen od svega, ali ukratko: konačno je došlo do nekog pomaka u mome zdravstveno/zakonskom statusu. Budući da sam uložio žalbu na liječnikovo rješenje o prekidu moga bolovanja i pritužbu na njegov neprofesionalan odnos prema meni (jer me jednostavno nije htio liječiti i uvjeravao me da je sa mnom zapravo sve u redu), jučer je – nakon već tradicionalnih mjesec dana – stiglo i rješenje moje žalbe. Šturo, ali jasno. Liječenje se mora nastaviti, bolovanje produljiti, a mene dodatno uputiti na Zavod za mirovinsko radi ocjene invalidnosti. Hmm. Sva sreća da mi je doktor pilio da mi nije ništa, jer bih se sad zabrinuo (da, sarkastičan sam). Što to zapravo znači, ja kao laik samo mogu pretpostavljati. Ali vjerojatno znači da je tim doktora pregledao moje nalaze i zaključio da sam ipak pretrpio ozbiljnije tjelesno oštećenje.
Ali ni tu nije kraj! Ponadam se ja, konačno smo nešto postigli, međutim, na danome papiru ne piše kamo se ja dalje trebam obratiti! Odnosno, piše nešto iz čega se dade iščitati da trebam ići kod svoga druga doktora da me nastavi liječiti, ali to je sve. Međutim, ja sam u međuvremenu zbog njega dobio otkaz pa sad ne znam kako ide s osiguranjem, tko to plaća, kod kojega specijalista (specijalista… da) medicine rada spadam, pa ja nazovem Mirovinsko, koje me uputi na Zdravstveno, koje me uputi na Medicinu rada, koja me uputi valjda na pravnu službu Zaštite na radu. Uglavnom, gospođa pravnica je bila ljubazna, uslužna i uljudna, i na nju nemam zamjerke. Osim što očito u sustavu postoje takve rupe da je na moje pitanje: “I što da ja sada radim?” ona odgovorila: “Zaista vam ne znam reći.”
Još jedna kafkijanska crna rupa, čini mi se… uz to je dodala da se nisam trebao poslije otkaza prijaviti na Zavod za zapošljavanje, nego na Zavod za medicinu rada te bih tako ostvario pravo i na nastavak isplate plaće, odnosno naknade, za vrijeme trajanja bolovanja. Ovako, budući da se apsolutno nitko u relevantnim institucijama nije potrudio uputiti me u moja eventualna prava, izgleda da sam ostao kratkih rukava. Barem ako je ljubazna gospođa u pravu. Ne ostaje mi drugo nego tjerati stvar dalje, ako treba i na više instance. Ali dragi drug doktor (koji je očito zanat izučavao u lokalnom Komesarijatu KPJ, pa ga zato tako oslovljavam) će definitivno biti prijavljen Hrvatskoj liječničkoj komori radi nemara i nesavjesnog liječenja.
Ali, kako god sve ovo sada i do sada izgledalo, moram reći jednu stvar. Ova mi je godina bila vrlo teška i čudna i svakakva, i prolazio sam kroz svakojake unutarnje i vanjske borbe i ratove, i sumnje i pitanja i svašta, ali moram reći i priznati ovo: znam da je Božja ruka u svemu ovome. Zašto je ovo sve ispalo ovako, ne znam. Zašto na sve strane samo udaraju i čupaju od mene a ja ostajem kratak, ne znam. Zašto nikako da dođemo do nekakvog finalnog rješenja situacije, ne znam. Ali znam da Bog zna i da nekamo smjera sa svime time. A moje je da mu vjerujem.
Zdravlje me baš i ne služi. Počeo sam malo čistiti s jednim prijateljima koji imaju mali čistački biznis. Ima posla za jedno tri do četiri dana tjedno, a i to samo po tri-četiri sata, dakle ništa puno, ali i to malo mi jako teško fizički pada. Umaram se jako brzo, bolovi su vrlo jaki i pojačavaju se. Da li to tako treba ili ne treba, nisam doktor pa ne znam. Vid me izdaje. Svakim danom vidim sve lošije, sve mutnije. Lošije čujem. Sve je to došlo otkako sam doživio tu nesretnu nesreću na poslu (hah, nesretnu nesreću). Nikome ne mogu ni objasniti kako mi je zapravo. Prijatelji me dobronamjerno savjetuju: “Daj, napravi ovo, napravi ono, treba gurati naprijed, bit će bolje.” Govore mi to jer me vole i jer mi žele dobro, znam to. Ali ja nikome ne mogu objasniti da sam već sada, s ovakvim nikakvim radnim tempom u životu, odavno na izmaku snaga. Iskreno, mislim da je pitanje dana kad će mi ozbiljno pozliti zbog napora kojima se izlažem a možda ne bih smio. Bolovi u glavi i vratu i dalje nalikuju na užareni kamen koji se širi i koji nikako da ode. Ubija me, onesposobljuje i muči. Živci su davno otišli u neku drugu dimenziju. Veći dio godine živim na Ibuprofenu i Normabelu i nije mi bolje. Ali vjerujem da Bog vidi i da nešto želi učiniti kako bi se njegovo ime proslavilo. I neke stvari čekam, a neke guram naprijed. Zbog toga se ljudima čini kao da sam se prepustio, kao da me nije briga, kao da ne činim sve što je u mojoj moći, ali nije tako. Samo je već postalo naporno to svima objašnjavati… ali i to je život.
Ako u Boga vjerujete, molim vas da molite za mene da mi podari snage da izdržim sve udarce koji me tek čekaju. Olakšanje nikako da se pojavi na vidiku, ali valjda će doći. Sveden sam na golo postojanje, i financijski, i duševno i emotivno, a i duhovno, ali još se ritam. I planiram još dugo…
Čujemo se, valjda neće opet proći ovoliko vremena. Pisat ću i o vedrijim temama, ne bojte se.
Hvala na pažnji i doviđenja.
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Long time, no see. We all seem to be on Facebook nowadays, so it’s hard to be everywhere at once. I’m gettin’ old…
This shouldn’t be a long rant (but it probably will be) because I am just so exhausted, but here it is in a nutshell: finally there’s been some change in my health insurance and legal statuses. Since I had filed a complaint regarding my doctor’s decision to end my sick leave as well as regarding his unprofessional behavior toward me (as he kept refusing to treat me and maintained that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me), yesterday – after the already traditional month – I got the reply to my complaint. It was concise, but clear. My treatment must be resumed, my sick leave must be prolonged, and I need to be referred to our Institute for Social Security in order to ascertain my disability. Hmm. Good thing that the doctor kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me, otherwise I would have been really worried now. (Yes, I am being sarcastic.) The real meaning of this is something that I, being no more than a lay person, can only guess. But it probably means that a team of doctors looked through all my test results and came to the conclusion that I have indeed suffered severe bodily harm.
But that’s not all, folks! So I start getting my hopes up, and I think to myself, “Wow, finally there’s been some progress”. However, the said reply does not instruct me as to where should I be going next! Actually it says something that leads me to believe that I need to revisit Comrade doctor and ask that he resumes my case, but that’s it. Nevertheless, in the meantime his actions led to me being fired, so I was not sure what’s the situation with insurance, who’s paying for what, which Occupational Medicine specialist (specialist… yeah, right) do I need to go to. So I pick up the phone and call Social Security, who redirect me to the Health Insurance Institute, who in turn refer me to Occupational Medicine Institute, who then point me to Legal Matters in relation to Occupational Medicine. Anywho, the lawyer lady was very kind and nice and helpful, and I really have no objection to her. Except that there are obvious holes in the system, so when I asked her, “So what do you suggest I do now?”, she replied, “Honestly, I don’t know what to say”.
Another one of those Kafkian black holes, it seems… she also said that after I got fired I was not supposed to go and register with the Unemployment Office but rather the Institute for Occupational Medicine, which would allow me to keep receiving my salary, ie. compensation during the time of sick leave. But since absolutely nobody in the relevant institutions bothered to tell me what rights do I have and do I have any, it seems that I got the short end of the stick. If the nice lady is right, that is. So I have no other choice than to keep pursuing the matter, and even go over their heads if necessary. But as for my dear Comrade doctor (who obviously learned his skills in the local Communist Party Commisariat and that is why I refer to him in that manner) I will definitely file a complaint regarding his malpractice and negligence to the Croatian Medical Doctors’ Bar.
However, no matter how things seem now, there is one thing I must say. This has been a very difficult and strange year for me. I have been through all kinds of inner and outer struggles and wars. I had doubts and questions and whatnot, but there is one thing I must admit and confess: I know that God has His hand in all this. Why did things turn out the way they did? I don’t know. Why does everybody keep taking a piece of me leaving me with nothing? I do not know. Why is it that we can’t seem to reach some sort of a final solution to this whole mess? I don’t know. But I am aware that God knows and that He has a purpose for it all. And it’s my job to trust Him.
My health situation hasn’t been very well. I’ve taken a part time job cleaning with some friends who have a small cleaning business. I work three to four days a week, and I work for three to four hours at a time. So it’s not much, but I am finding even that very difficult to handle physically. I tire very quickly. My pains are intense and increasing in intensity. Maybe that’s normal, maybe it’s not, I don’t know. I am no doctor. My vision is getting weaker. With every day my vision blurrier and blurrier. I can’t hear as well as I did. All of those things began happening after that unfortunate accident (hahah, unfortunate accident…). And I can’t even explain to people how I’m feeling. My friends give me well-intentioned advice, “C’mon, do this and that. You gotta go on and things are gonna be just fine.” They say that because they love me and because they wish me well. I know that. But I can’t seem to make it clear that even now, at this miserable pace of life and work, everything that’s happening is way beyond my powers. I truly think that it’s just a matter of days before I get seriously sick due to the strains I am putting myself through and maybe shouldn’t be doing it. The pains in my head and neck are still resembling of a burning stone which keeps expanding and isn’t leaving. It’s killing me, it’s disabling me and tormenting me. My nerves have been in a different dimensional plain for a long while now. I’ve been living on Ibuprofen and Valium for a larger part of this year, and in spite of that things haven’t been getting better. However, I do believe that God sees it all and I believe that He’s got a plan for all this that will bring glory to His name. There are matters that I’ve left as they are and am waiting for some change to take place. There are other matters that I am actively pursuing. All of this leads people to believe that I’ve let go and that I don’t care, and it seems to them that I have not been doing everything that’s in my power, but that’s not true. Still, explaining all this to everyone has become very tedious indeed… but that’s life.
If you believe in God, I am asking you to pray for me, that He would give me strength to endure all the blows that are in store for me. There doesn’t seem to be any release on the horizon, but I guess it will come eventually. I have been reduced to bare existence on all plains – financial, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but I’m still kicking. And I plan to keep kicking for a long time to come…
Stay tuned. I hope it won’t be this long before the next post. There will be nicer things to write about as well, so don’t worry.
Over and out.
